Old conversations are so therapeutic, without the need for a counselor's couch. It's how you get to go through a mix of emotions, because you're turning back the clock hand to revisit past memories, to either acknowledge how far you've come, or gain closure or understanding. Sometimes, it feels like you're opening up a wound that has healed or is healing, or you're laughing at your silly midnight jokes or gossip with your best friend. But most times, they are cringe! Let's not talk about how you feel like eating your brain just to shy away from the awkwardness and embarrassment, nobody is there to save you from, and then you start asking yourself, "What was that? What was I thinking when I gave that mid response?" You want to go numb, so the memories wipe away.
I am seriously writhing in regret and embarrassment right now, wishing I didn't fumble for words months ago. Why is it now, that I've decided to go to bed, is when the thoughts are haunting me? I just wish I could go back in time to do it better.
One of these was, why on earth did I tell a talking stage I felt the same way, when I actually didn't? To this, I prolonged the "getting to know you" just to have conversations to hold on to, whenever I'm bored. I was uncomfortable most times. (Please don't cringe too much like me). I knew this wasn't the right thing to do. I accept, but I left hints and flags for him to pick on, but he chose the yellow (mixture of green and red flag). I guess he didn't just want to admit them, because he kept pushing until he couldn't anymore. He even went as far as insulting me. His ego was bruised after I rejected him. Now, I just wished I had told him the truth, earlier but I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because I was so sure he would ask "why." How do you tell a guy you can't date him, because he's way shorter than you, or because all his responses to conversations feel so automated. I mean, I'm not chatting with AI. Calls were better, but I couldn't hold on to just that. Or because his facial features reminded you, that you need to choose better for your future kids. I'm sorry, but I tried, and now I'm cringing so bad, for all the nights' conversations and texts that felt so genuine to him. I feel so bad right now.
It took me just a few months, to realize that it's not okay, to settle for someone just to avoid being alone. It's better to be honest and hurt someone's feelings, than to lead them on and waste both of your time, because we all deserve someone who connects with us genuinely.
Another was, when someone called me a foodie, in front of other souls that were lurking into mine. Not even that, my crush was right there! I've always wanted to at least have a one or two conversations m with him, but I am very shy. That day, he was sitting beside me, and then my friend goes, "You're a foodie," because I complained of being hungry and wanted to snack on something. I'm used to eating every minute, which I guess gave her the impression. I was so embarrassed, when I saw his face lit up with a smile, even though he acted like he didn't hear that. I wish I had shut down the conversation and just explained better to her, or insult her, because now I'm remembering what I could've said. Guess what? I ran away.
Or the day my mum was discussing marriage and pregnancy with me. How do we all go from, "You can't have a boyfriend until you're this certain age," from our parents, to "When are you bringing a man home?" This particular day was funny. I was on my sick bed, so the option to run wasn't there. She was literally discussing this with a nurse, both of them telling me how amazing it would be. I was stuck with two grown-ups. It was cringe! Looking back now, I wished I had opened up to her about my love life. To fall into her warm embrace, hearing her heart and lungs breathing life. To cry. To scream. To tell her, it's not easy out here finding someone to love. To get her hands run through my back, telling me, “it’s okay.”
PS: I was so hesitant to post this, but I wanted to acknowledge my imperfections, by making it relatable, while making fun of myself. If only we can all see the unfiltered thoughts and insecurities of those around us, we might comfort knowing, that we're all together in this thing of "wanting to sink into the ground."
How are you doing though? It's been so long, and I missed writing to you. Write me back or drop a comment. Muah!
And lastly you finally posted something!!
The people you choose to settle for, at the end of the day they end up hurting you the most Fr tho Just do you cause it's just one life we all have and you definitely do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you don't feel connected.